I cringe as I feel the pressure from the fist that came into contact with my mothers pregnant belly. With each blow she received from her husband, the womb surrounding the love child she held inside of her became that much stronger. There was a part of her that knew it wasn’t a nice thing she did cheating on her husband, but then he wasn’t a very nice husband. He was quite mean in fact and was not capable of loving such a free spirit like my mother. She had just divulged to him her situation of being pregnant with another mans child. The guilt and embarrassment didn’t match up to the pain her husband was about to cause her.
When the beating stopped and her world stopped turning she packed her bags and took her two boys with her as she walked out that door. Never again would a man lay a hand on her in this way…ever. My mothers memory of things is sliding into an abyss as she is struggling with the loss of memory like her mother before her. We will continue, out of respect for her, to call it a memory problem. The doctors call it Alzheimer’s.
There are moments that parts of her past come up and she shares with me the little treasures. The memory of her first husband did just that this week. I knew he beat her and I had heard (not from her) that he beat her when she was pregnant with me. She confirmed what I knew to be true about that beating. My mom had an affair with her long time best friend and soul mate, my father. What is curious to me is where were her five brothers as that beating took place. They didn’t do anything to help take care of her or to put a threat to the man that did this to her.
I am sorry to say I know more men who would do nothing and walk away than I know who would stand up for a woman in trouble. Isn’t that just the saddest thing ever. Maybe that’s why I feel so protective over the women friends in my life. A man just said on face book that chivalry has never died, I told him to open his eyes to reality. Even in the times when men were such “gentlemen” women were treated like weak little idiots. Like creatures of beauty but zero potential for intelligence. There is your chivalry for you…idiot.
Some time back I had an astrology chart done by a well known astrologer by the name of David Pond. He knew about the early trauma to me, he knew it happened before I was born. I find it amazing that your life path can be traced in this way. I have never completely understood all of it but I honor those who have the gift of following the stars and planets in this way. The closest I have gotten is to be able to point out Orion or the Big Dipper.
Mostly what I would like to focus on today is the strength and courage my mother had to walk out of a bad situation. It turns out much later in life she lost her way in the courage category but at 24 years of age she embodied it. I will always see her in these times instead of how she is now. I miss her most days and cant wait to share moments of quality time together. Just like she did with her mom.
My mom and I have had a tumultuous relationship at best, but as we’ve grown and recovered from our rough road I find the need to reconnect with her. I want to her to know that there is no point in fear and no room for pain. She can now focus on love, good times and memories that we can make in the moment. How long those memories last doesn’t matter, as long as we have the moment. I want to be that protective womb for her, just as she was for me. Its the time now to begin again.