I’ve been reading a book by Louise L. Hay called “21 Days To Master Affirmations”. I’m not just reading but also doing the work with the affirmations. Normally this is not my cup of tea but I’m sitting alone in a jungle in Central America…what do I have to lose? I have been saying the affirmations that feel right to me.

I’m on chapter 13 titled Love and Intimacy. This is really confusing to me because she asks what were the reasons for your last two break ups? So I say to myself with “C” it was selfishness, so I left. The one before that,”S” it was lies (really bad ones) and I left.

How Louise explains it to us is that of course we do what we have learned and everyone knows that. How do you learn about love and intimacy if there wasn’t any? There was no hugging or kissing or holding hands in our home. There were no I love you looks from across the room.

There were plenty of emotions rolling around and lots of drama but nobody talked about love or said I love you. Not that I can ever remember. What Louise says is that relationships are mirrors of ourselves. What we attract is what mirrors either qualities we have or beliefs we have about relationships.

Anyway its confusing to me but ultimately its about believing in your self-worth. That we are all worthy of being loved. Maybe we didn’t get that in a warm fuzzy way as kids, but we can have as much warm fuzzy as we want as adults.

I believe I am worthy of being loved and I have so much to share. My heart is not filled with anger and resentment like it once was. There is now room for the good stuff and I am so happy about that. People can judge me about the path I am taking or stand up and cheer me on.

I have learned so much about myself  in writing these words down. I am happy to have these moments to do so. One day there will be a man beside me who can share in my journey. Until then its like I’m a kid again learning everything I missed the first time around.