Well I didn’t think I had one until I really thought about it today, but for me its food. What do I do when I feel bad or tired and feel like I’ve been beaten up from driving around this crazy country I’m in. I come home and have something that is comforting to me. Its salty crunchy stress food. Nuts, crackers or chips. Its something that I can do mindlessly. It distracts me from what I just went through or am going through. It’s not an amount thing for me. I don’t sit and eat a whole bag of chips, although I have before. No really….a whole bag.
I have been working on affirmations that Louise Hay wrote about in her book called “21 Days to Master Affirmations”. When I first got the book on kindle I started reading right through it and then I thought well this is just silly. I actually have to do the work of saying the affirmations instead of just jumping ahead to the end of the book.
I’m not really and affirmation kind of girl, but I know that in my spiritual growth, to better help others I first have to help myself. This entails healing and releasing all of the crap that no longer serves me purpose. Beating myself up is what I have done best in my life. I am no longer going down that road. I’m learning to change my inner vocabulary. Now listen, I still cuss like a sailor and holler in traffic but I usually laugh at myself after I do these things. I don’t take myself so seriously anymore.
Off subject a little but connected because of how it makes me feel. There are only two words in the entire English language that cause me to be nauseated. One is “fatso”, because it’s what my uncles and brothers called me when I was young. They did this to me and to my cousin of near the same age. I wasn’t by any means fat. I was a normal little girl with the same sort of shape little girls go through as they are growing up. It stuck with me and it hurt me so deeply. I never said anything because what would be the point. They were adults and what they said must be true…right?
The other word is the “N” word. I can’t stand it, its makes me sick inside. Its like I take myself back to a time not so long ago when black/African Americans were beaten and berated just for breathing. I feel disgusted that I grew up with people who said that word and they still do to this day. I can’t stand it when it’s used in songs of any sort. It makes me sick inside because there is so much rage and hate connected to it.
Anyway in the book about the affirmations, today’s chapter is on Addictions. I thought it would be a quick chapter not having anything to do me, until I got a better understanding of the connection with food and emotion for me. It’s there for sure. I am not 600 lbs but I’m also not at the weight that is healthy for my height. There is a connection with self hate and medicating one self. I learned to medicate and or comfort myself with food.
Drugs and alcohol could have very easily been a part of my addiction but food is easier to stay in control of. Two of the affirmations that I chose for myself are ” No one can mistreat me. I love appreciate and respect myself” and the other is “No person, place or thing has power over me. I am free”.
I get that doing affirmations sounds corny and I struggled in the beginning but I look at it this way, it only takes a few minutes and it hurts nobody in the process. It’s actually helping me more than I thought it would. The road I traveled has been kinda bumpy and I am giving myself credit for getting through everything. I’m stronger than most and I can see that now.
By going through all of the motions that I have its going to better help me be of service to others. Which is why I believe I am here. I have taken the time to work on me and I’m glad I have found the courage to do so. Its small steps but I am getting there and feeling better about myself more each day. I’m trying to look at people from a different angle. Not in traffic but maybe those in the grocery store or my guests or neighbors. Have I got it all figured out? No but I’m workin on it.