If tomorrow never comes, I would be Ok with that. I would of course miss my boy Panama Jack (soon to be Just Jack). In this life I have seen and done so much, that if I didn’t complete my bucket list I would be Ok with that.
I have climbed many mountains and walked many beaches and seen what seems like a million sunsets and sunrises. I have powered through life trying new things and meeting new people. I have schooled others and been schooled by some along the way.
I have sipped expensive wine and cheap beer and been able to serve others as well as have others serve me. There have been phenomenal dinners and greasy truck stop breakfasts that I can still taste if I close my eyes. I have scrubbed shitty toilets and cleaned vomit off of boat decks, and in the same day witnessed the most incredible double rainbow anyone has ever seen.
There are not enough words to say how much I have enjoyed the high points and wept in pain and sadness over the low points. If it all ended today and there was no tomorrow, there would only be one thing that I have yet to experience and the only reason that I want to continue in this life. I have yet to experience undying love for someone and have the same love returned to me.
Don’t get me wrong I have been in love, but, not the kind of love that takes your breath away. I want to feel moments that are not as much about sex as they are about intimacy and joy just by being in each others presence. I want to experience the type of love that when we hold each others hands the energy ripples out so profoundly that it disturbs the sleeping souls around us. I’m not talking about obsession, but about a century old love that has been awakened by one look, one moment that reunites us.
I believe we all have that someone, somewhere in our existence. Whether in this life or another and if it didn’t happen in this life I would be heart-broken. If tomorrow came and went without me in it and I hadn’t experienced that feeling of being cherished and loved with a passion and ease that is unstoppable, I would feel as if it were all for not. It’s the last piece of the puzzle for me.
It matters to me that at the end of the day there is someone out there that cares that I was here. It matters to me, that another soul would love me so much that even if my physical body wasn’t here that he would still embrace the spirit that I carried while I walked on this earth. What a walk it’s been. It would be a shame to leave without having had the love of another so strong it could endure governments, wars and natural disasters.
If tomorrow never comes and I somehow miss the opportunity to feel what I have described as a love to shadow all other loves, that would be a tragedy. A sadness would fill my soul and I would weep tears large enough to fill an ocean. Almost everyday I think of the kind of life I have had, the good, the bad and the ugly. I could have done without much of the pain, but then how would I know to embrace the good when it came along.
I will continue to reflect everyday until its time to go and I will hold out hope that the space that is left in my heart will be filled before it’s over.