Surreal Moments

Life to me can seem so surreal. Time doesn’t stand still when bad things are happening to you. It keeps moving on with or without you. Its bazaar that something can happen to you that is so impactful, its seems like time stops, but it doesn’t. All the worker bees are still going to work to do their jobs. Cars are still driving around. The sun is still coming up and going down but inside all of that stops for you. It’s so surreal to think that just because you might not be alive by the end of the day that world didn’t even blink. Not at all.

I read a book recently by Taylor Evan Fulks, its titled “My Prison Without Bars”. It is a tragedy what she went through and yet nobody around her noticed. I think they knew but didn’t have the balls to do anything about it. While she and I don’t have the exact same story, we both have the realm of darkness that has affected us, in all the bad ways.

Its taken me a long time but I believe the reason for our survival is to reach out and help others. Even though there is still pain within, it becomes easier, if I know I can stop it from happening to someone else. People like us who survive abuse and near death have something to say. Its been a long road for me but if somehow I could reach out and offer help to someone who can’t see their way out of a bad situation it makes it all worth it. Its part of giving back or as some would say “paying it forward”.

There is always a way out, we just have to find the courage and the will to get there. We have to want it bad enough to make it happen. There came a point in my life when I decided I didn’t like the family I was born into, and apparently they didn’t like me or they would have stopped the madness. Later in life I looked to men to give me that love or attention and ultimately I found they were not the answer. You know the old saying “looking for love in all the wrong places”? Well that was me. For a while anyway.

I was never taught that I had value so I looked to the wrong people for the wrong reasons. It brought me so much pain. I still physically feel the shame and embarrassment from more than 3o years ago. Its crazy though, like it all happened yesterday. I look back at my life and find it so surreal that a vibrant young child could endure so much and still be breathing. It goes to show proof that we are more than just our physical being.

I would say that we are stronger than what we sometimes believe, because we need to be. Not just for ourselves but for the ones behind us. In healing ourselves I believe that we can help others. I’m known to not have a very good filter in the way I write or the way I speak, but I don’t want anything lost in translation. If you are listening or reading my words I don’t want you to miss how something so awful can impact another in need. It becomes worse if the one in need see’s that you know, yet you choose to look the other way.

For example, a child who wets the bed. There is some serious fear going on here people. As an adult I can see that after learning about Chinese medicine and the mental emotional connection to every dis-ease in the body. It’s so clear to me now. Carrying extra weight in the hips or thighs? There is an underlying anger or resentment toward the parents. Usually the father. Its true, and not only have I learned this in Chinese medicine and massage therapy but the same message is given in Louise L. Hays book “Heal Your Body”. That book is my reference guide for myself and for those around me.

The connection is there and I see it now. It seems so surreal to me that this knowledge is given to us and yet most people are sort of just floating through life accepting the shit that is being handed to them. It doesn’t have to be that way. You can change the pattern by getting out. I know, I know, you can’t ask a six-year-old girl to run out of her house screaming I don’t want this family please give me another. The thing is though, its people like me that can help people like that, by reaching out and sharing the possibilities.

I want to tell women, and men for that matter, that they are being denied joy in their life that, they are worth more so don’t accept less. I want to see more people like me stand up and tell the world that the shit they try to hand us is no longer acceptable and enough is enough. I want to see more places for victims to go to regroup and find themselves again.

Just because you were born into a Jerry Springer family doesn’t mean that you have to stay in it. If it’s not healthy get out and find your family along the way. Its ok not to live in fear and darkness. It’s ok to be honest and clear about who are or who you want to be. I hope that one day people like us will get through to more people like you. We are here and we have value.

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