Recently I was forced into utilizing smoke signals in the jungles of  Panama for communication. Its rainy season so that didn’t go over too well. Apparently the universe decided I needed to get quiet and lay in the muck in my own trench. Trust me it didn’t feel too good.

I walk a fine line everyday as it is, but to be taken out of contact with everyone but myself really sucked. I haven’t liked myself very much lately, so you can imagine what a party I had…woo fucking hoo! When you are in a 3rd world country like Panama you are forced to follow the rules that they put forth to get phone lines back up and internet back on, but they don’t follow their own rules. It becomes a circle jerk.

I am in the process of getting myself out of here and back to my homeland, where most of the population stops at red lights and two lanes remain two lanes and not six. Anyway, I was off-line for 17 days and in the first week I sat in frustration and anger. Then I went into the wallowing “why me’s” and that is really ugly. If you have never seen it, I don’t recommend it.

A very good friend came to my rescue. She showed up with piles of  food and booze (we wont count the six-pack of bottles that went crashing to the floor in the first 5 minutes of unpacking…she gave blood that day). I didn’t have much in my fridge (almost nothing) and no wine to whine with. She also brought an old blackberry for me to use as a back up. I’ve never used one of those before, I’m still old school.

I know times have changed but I miss the old phones simple and straight forward. Dial a number and talk to your friends. None of this ### shit, that makes no sense. Anyway try as she might my friend didn’t try to force me out of my slump, she was simply “there” for me. I am very lucky to call her my friend.

More than another week went by of begging the phone company to do something about the problem and finally on day 17 it happened…my phone rang. Before I came back on-line, I had been reading what I had on my kindle and watching movies (cables out, and that is ok). I was in desperate need of a shift in my frame of being. What helped me the most was watching the movie “Peaceful Warrior” based on a true story written by Dan Millman. If you have never read the book or watched the movie I highly recommend it.

What I realized is, that I needed to take out the trash that keeps rolling around in this head of mine. Acknowledging there is still so much anger and hurt was a big deal for me. I thought I was done with most of it, but I have buried some stuff way the hell out in the hill’s of B.F.E. By reading my posts you will see a plethora of emotions, and I try not to write when I’m really pissed off because I don’t want to spread the rage. There is no reason for it. So, sorry for the post before this one.

What “Peaceful Warrior” reminded me of is to try to stay in the moment. It’s not easy to do, but I’ve been trying. What ever it is that I’m doing, sipping tea or loving on Panama Jack (my boy kitty) I try to think about only that one thing. If you try this and find yourself working out your grocery list or thinking about why the attorney wont call you back or why the fucking phone company wont do their job, don’t worry its normal. It takes time and practice. All I can do is the best I can do, and that’s it.

In my trench I love, miss, hate and worry about my mother dying before I can get back to her. In my trench I wonder why, why, why people wont do their jobs and do what they say they are going to do. In my trench I am trying desperately to pull and scrape the extra weight off of my short frame. There is lots of muck in there and taking out the trash is letting go of all of it. Not looking in the past but staying in the moment.

I’m feeling better now but I am still on that ledge. It’s a life time of experience and the work will be on going until I take my last breath. That is the way of being human. Its constant but I find connecting with spirit and breathing through some of the pain helps. Even when I do leave this place I will be doing the same work, just in a different landscape and no more smoke signals.