Today as I sit on this mountain in Panama I am amazed at how easy it is to fall back into the old dramas of where I came from. I have decided to work on letting those old patterns go and focus on whats real for me. I just had a great conversation on Skype with a very old (not old we are the same age, but you know what I mean) and dear friend of mine. She new me when [more…] I was in my early teens and going through so much of the heavy dramas in my life. Although she nor anyone else for that matter knew what was really going on in my home. I can now look back and let her know why I disappeared into oblivion after we all graduated from junior high school. In Chico where I’m from its a small town mentality and you would be hard pressed not to run across people you know or could be related to. During my early teen years there was a lot of fighting and drinking going on in my house. My oldest brother who has been a life long criminal was a huge part of that chaos. He wasn’t the only part though. My step father (moms second marriage) was very abusive verbally to me. Because I looked so much like my mom, when they were fighting she would take off out the front door, and there I was looking just like her, he would put all of his hatred and anger out on me.
I would say that happened from about the age of 11 through 14 when they kicked me out. Going to school in your teens is hard enough but going to school after an all night knock down drag out brawl was too much. I had to call the cops to break things up many times . Sometimes it was the parents fighting and drunk out of their minds or it was the older brother running from the cops from whatever crime he had just committed. So my friend’s never knew these things because it wasn’t something to be shared. I couldn’t very often have friends to stay over due to fear of embarrassment of what might happen.
In a few weeks there will be a 30 year class reunion which I will not attend because I didn’t get to graduate with my class. I was out of school early(I had taken my GED) and lived in Hawaii at the time. There is a big part of me that is sad that graduation and being a regular teen wasn’t a part of my life. However as it turns out I’m not a regular girl, I am so much more. There are a few people that I was close with and would love to reconnect with but most of those people I really didn’t have much in common with. While I played sports as a way to get out of the house, I didn’t have the money like the other kids to get proper shoes and uniforms. There just wasn’t any money for that. There was always money for booze…go figure.
I am now taking this time in my life to make the connection because I never stopped caring about those friends. Had they known what was going on things might have been different. So now, as I reconnect with those that are willing I can hopefully help with supporting these old friends and maybe shining a little light their way. I may rant and rave on some subjects but as I let go of the old patterns I will find the need less and less to rant and rave. I’m finding more peace in my past and in what it gave to me. Even as rough as it was, at times, their was so much that came out of it to make me the strong soul that I am today. So I will say thank you old friend for the time you shared with me today. I have always cherished our early years together and hope that we can pick up where we left off as the old warrior souls that we are.