Coming to be in this place, this jungle, in Central America, has guided me in a way I’d never considered before. I can be so hard headed at times it doesn’t surprise me it took coming to such a remote place to get some internal realizations. For so long now, Ive seen myself as stuck here and unable to make a move in any direction. There is, of course, a reason I’m here so long. Its not be to closer to people who I thought were my friends and its not because I’m actually stuck. I’m simply moving through some stuff at a glacial pace.
I’m sitting at the edge of a water fall while writing this. Its a primitive part of panama and surrounded by elemental’s. Natures little spirit friends. Its a cascada, or waterfall in my native language. Its fast and furious like my emotions. Its powerful like my heart. Its soft in its edges as it mists up into the air after coming into contact with the rough rocks weathered by centuries of pounding storms. There are small areas where it gathers and calms itself before moving forward, tumbling down the mountain in all of its glory.
I’m a Leo and that’s a fire sign, so I always turn to water to balance me. Which is what Ive been looking for…balance. In the last day or so Ive been dreaming of my next place and my twin flame that will embrace me there. Something that I’m still coming to grips with is the scarring on my face. Who would think that after all of these years that it would still be an issue, but, it is for me. Every day I look in the mirror I see the misshapen eye and the vertical scar that runs the length of my face.
I take note of how I am in crowds of people. I question myself, who is noticing and who isn’t. What I didn’t realize is what I was doing. I was placing a tough exterior around me so that I wasn’t put in a position to be rejected. Ive worked very hard at protecting myself all the while pushing away chances at love. Up until recently as I’m growing and changing I haven’t realized Ive been rejecting men before they have even had a chance to see me, the real me.
I know in my heart I’m a good person with many gifts. I hadn’t until now understood that keeping those gifts to myself is one of the most non-astute things I could ever be doing. If someone like me was sitting in front of me I would say to her… You are not just the physical body we all know but you are loving energy as well. I would say to her…You are first a soul, then a human and lastly a woman. So the importance of having a scar free face isn’t really so important after all. If you can see this then so can everyone else. Being a woman in this society, where beauty is the focus, it makes it so difficult to be authentic.
Simply saying these words make it seem so easy, but its not. Well this is me giving it my best try. I don’t want to keep my gifts to myself anymore. I want to share with people who can see through that heavy veil of protection Ive put over me, until I’m ready to shed it completely.
I don’t have to sail around the world or climb the highest mountain. I’m strong but I don’t have to be stronger or more fierce to gain the admiration of those around me. I can just be the beautiful soul that I am. No matter what I will always be that soul first and everything else will follow and be as it should be. Anchored in love.