So I had a dream that bothered me so much I still have it in my mind this morning while sipping my coffee. I had a dream that I got a visit from a private investigator. It was a woman and she was trying to intimidate me. She said, I’m under investigation for something they think I did over 30 years ago. She wouldn’t say what it was or who it affected. She just glared at me and puffed out her masculine chest and said don’t go anywhere.

You know how dreams are, you sometimes jump around from place to place. I’m in Panama, but in the dream I was in the states when I was talking to her,but my inner voice said dummy your in Panama. She would have to come and get you in Panama.

Anyway she left in the dream and that left me thinking…what have I done? Who did I hurt? I was on my own at 14 so I was partying my ass off and sometimes drinking to the point of blacking out. So I’m thinking did I hurt someone? I woke up and tried to shake it off but couldn’t. So I had a look at the trail I had left behind. The aftermath so to speak.

You know as a child I was bullied and in turn learned how to bully or intimidate right back. Now listen,I didn’t get bullied much just a little and that was the girl who I turned around and bullied right back. Her name was Betty and I’m sure she and I were wading through some of the same kind of shit.

There were a few other instances with other people in a “gang” that bullied me but eventually that all went away. Mom told me to carry a bigger stick. So I did. A stick that was bigger than me. I was so mad at her for not coming to my rescue. So all of this is too far back, because I was only 8 or 9 when this happened. I am thinking the investigator thinks I did something as a teen.

Well hell, there are a few years that are a little foggy, but the only one who I really hurt was myself. Bingo! Ding ding ding, survey says good answer. It didn’t really occur to me until now as I am writing this out. So that must be it. I was very hard on myself and I was still just a child. I’m guessing there is going to be some forgiveness in here somewhere.

Did you ever see that movie “Flat Liners”, where they are walking the edge of life and death and in the time that they are dead they have to answer to the things that they did that were mean or hurtful to other people? That movie had a huge impact on me. Its crazy, in my dream I was kind of panicking, you know, like oh shit, how am I gonna get out of this. I found myself getting ready to reach out to all of my friends who work in law firms.

I was actually anxious until now. So that tells me I’m on to something. Forgiveness is the key. I need to forgive myself for being so hard on my younger self. I know it sounds like therapist chatter but it feels like its right. I think in writing out parts and pieces of my journey it is going to entail letting go of things that don’t belong to me anymore.

I don’t have to be the strongest to survive anymore. I can just be me. I can write down the words that I know are true for me and not hurtful to anyone else. These thoughts of harsher times are no longer holding power over me. I guess the message in the dream is love myself and forgive myself for being so hard on the child I was. Wow crazy how this stuff pops up isn’t it? It kind of ties in to yesterdays blog…reflect, release and progress.