Every now and then I search on line for some of my relatives. Most are like me, a ghost in the system. There were a total of six kids in the house growing up, two older boys, two younger boys and an older step sister. Then I am in the middle of them all. I haven’t seen any of these people for more than 25 years. There really hadn’t been any interest after I was out on my own. Nobody cared to see if I was alive so I just disappeared. The entire family is like a really bad episode of Jerry Springer. Great for TV but awful to live in.

There is the oldest brother who has spent more time in prison than out. He has emblazoned his body with prison tats like “mama tried” across his chest. The second oldest brother was a mechanic wizard who could have gone on to do really great things. When I last saw him he was too drunk to do anything substantial with his life. The second youngest and I had a very rough relationship.

He was more annoying then all of them put together. His father and our mother would always play us against each other. I understand he turned out to be a truck driver and a very hard worker (not learned by his father but by an elder outside the family) but he stuck himself in another very dysfunctional family. The youngest brother had no chance from the beginning. He was a good kid growing up, but the home environment was beyond what any kid could live in and come out normal. Whatever that is. With all of the other kids gone he had nobody to look up to. I have no idea where he ended up.

The step sister came into the family when I was in elementary school. She and I were close at one point. Then she married and moved away. I haven’t seen her since I lived in Hawaii. I guess I just figured it wasn’t worth trying anymore. It shouldn’t have to be that hard to have a family. Should it? I stopped trying until recently. I have no interest in the boys. They have been nothing but takers and useless as tits on a bull.

None of them are aware that we don’t have the same father. I tried to share this info with the second oldest but he got so drunk and violent that I couldn’t even have a conversation with him. I know there will a time that I have to contact them and that will be it for me. I will be done completely. Some days I’m so very sad that it worked out this way, but if it hadn’t then I wouldn’t be the person I am today. I would never have sailed across the Atlantic Ocean or traveled and experienced the things that I have.

I would never have suffered enough to know how to appreciate the peace in life when its given to me. Earlier today I thought to myself, its so quiet, so peaceful. How can it be this way. Then I realized that there has been enough drama to last a life time. I wont need to wonder what to write about because I have experienced more in my 48 years than some have in 100 years of living. Its not all sunshine and rainbows that’s for damn sure. Its interesting though and it makes me feel things that I believe need to be shared. So here I am and there it is, another slice of my beginning. (written on 9/12/2013)