Message to Mom

As your memory fades away, I listen to the same stories over and over. That’s Ok because I know there are many things you probably want to forget about from this life. It was a rough road for you, and your choices were not always the most astute, but, they were your choices.

As I listened to you this morning, fade in and out of the same movie reel time and time again, I noticed that you are trying to hold on to moments where you did something that impacted another persons life in a good way. Teaching the young girls from the Indian reservation how to cook deer meat was a big deal for you. I’m sure that they carried the lesson on to their children and so on.You shared what you knew about cooking and that helped others to try things they wouldn’t normally try.

There is so much gypsy in your soul and I hope for you, in your next life that it is less oppressive. Those years of turmoil and booze are over. The men in your life kept you away from everyone so that you couldn’t run. They held you down from what you might have been. I feel it  in your words as you speak about your youth. I hear how much you love your husband and how much he loves you. I wish he would spend more time with you, before it’s too late.

You are so far from everyone again, but its a choice you made this time and there is not a chance in hell that those people you call your family will be there when you need them. For many different reason’s I’m sure. Still, you set yourself so far away they can’t find their way to you. The boys you raised, brothers and sons, couldn’t find their way out of a paper bag much less find a way across the country to see you.

People are funny mom, not funny ha ha, but funny odd. They can’t see what an impact it might have on you if they actually made the journey. Silly isn’t it? It’s a small world and they just haven’t figured that out yet. You have but now its too late. Now you are in the in-between place where timelines are crossing over each other. Proving that time doesn’t exist for you.

You are in the place where the little shit doesn’t matter and you know its time to go, but your still holding on to see if there is anything left to do. I am working my way back to you to hold your hand during this time. I am coming to help you chase the chickens back in the coop and have some laughs while we are doing it. I am here to remind you that its time to laugh and make fun of the serious issues. Its time to feel lighter.

If we do our best with what we know, that’s all anyone can ask. You made it hard for me, but I also know it was hard for you. Now the job of mother is done, its time to allow yourself to receive as many blessings as you can by just being you. Not the Mother, or the daughter or the grandmother that you are, but you. It is your time and I hope to help you find it.

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