If there was a way to describe how I have lived my life, it would be living out loud. I haven’t held back my voice or the way I have lived. I have been the best I can be under the circumstances. Some days a little less graceful than others but no regrets. Lately I have been focusing on forgiving myself for things I have done in the past that I thought were not ok. A few things came up this morning, but as I look back, I see now it was ok what I did.
One of those things I did was break up with a really nice guy, when I lived in Sacramento. He was so kind and came from a big loving family. However, at the time I was going through some serious stuff in dealing with Endometriosis. Lots of pain and pain killers. When I look back at that situation, I see that I would not have been able to give him a family due to my disease. Not only that, but because of who I am it wasn’t my path. Trust me, I did us both a favor. He was such a nice guy and I have fond memories of how we met and the time we had together.
The other thing that crossed my mind in my search for self forgiveness is when I lived in Everett Washington. I worked at a beer and steak pub. I worked there more for social activity than anything. There was a stranger that showed up day after day and he never said a word or looked at anyone. He looked shell-shocked, but didn’t look military. He came in wearing stinky dirty rumpled clothes and never spoke. He ordered a steak and nothing else but a glass of water. He did that everyday for a week, but he never spoke a word to anyone. I think he lived in his car in the parking lot.
He scared people because he acted different. I served him and watched him, because he freaked me out a little too. Looking back now, my heart breaks. Why didn’t I do more to help him? Why couldn’t I have found the courage at that time to reach out to him? The truth is, I think it would have scared him. So on one hand while I believe I did the wrong thing, it was actually the right thing for him and me.
It’s odd how you remember things like this, and question yourself. Could I have done more or should I have done more. I have learned that there are no should’s in life. I have only a few of those kind of situations that I think about. I have been living out loud for a long time and I have been pushing the limits of what a short little shit like me can do. Sailing across the Atlantic and jumping off the boat to go for a swim half way through the trip seemed like a great thing to do. I was right.
Driving across the country in my beat up little Toyota corolla to follow love to Florida, by myself seemed like a normal thing to do, for me anyway. Or scuba diving in Mexico with a complete stranger and floating by ourselves through a huge school of tarpon seemed like another good idea. I have never considered another way for things like this that I have done. I have only asked myself why not? If I hadn’t done it before, then why wouldn’t I do it now? I would have a great adventure and another story to tell, if I made it to being old. Trust me, I have kept my guardian angels very busy.
The thing about living out loud for me, is that there seem to be fewer regrets. I say what I mean and I mean what I say. I have seen people treated badly and have said or done something to try to help, with no regret. I have reprimanded children in public who are no relation to me. Not physically of course, but I am an adult and most times I act like it. Discipline is not used as much as it needs to be these days. It doesn’t have to be physical, but verbally showing that you care what the kids are doing. If you are not paying attention, please note that I am.
Living out loud to me is living without fear. Living out loud is being your authentic self and for me being courageous enough to step out and try new things, new adventures. The world is in a constant state of change and I want to see and do as much as I can before I’m done. That is how I look at things in life. Living out loud is also speaking from the heart. Daring to care about those around you. This has gotten me in trouble with boyfriends in the past. They would say “its none of your business” or “stay out of it”. Not true, it is my business as a living breathing being.
If you see something going on and you feel in your gut that its wrong, then it probably is and for me I have to do something. I would feel worse if I said or did nothing. I would say it’s as simple as being your authentic self. If I can help I will. If I have it to give I will give it and if I don’t I wont, it’s that simple.
On my journey of spiritual growth, there have been similar situations where I have been asked to give messages to others. It’s not my fault if they aren’t alive when they are asking me to give these messages. It doesn’t happen every day, but it does happen. If I ignored this type of thing it would mean I’m not being who I am and not owning my voice. I have never been that way before and I can’t see myself changing at this point.
So I sometimes step in the shit, but I find what I do is usually appreciated and the ones getting the help are almost always ok with it. To me that is the epitome of living out loud. Walking the way in this life , being who I am, as best I can.