Its almost 2am and I cant sleep because I’m thinking about you and me. This is the time when I would like to say thanks so much for being such a wonderful mom and being so supportive through the years, but I cant. I want to say more than anything, that I want to be there for you in this time of need, not for who you were then, but who you are now. We have never had that lovey mother daughter relationship. Its been rocky for so many years. I remember never being able to buy you a normal mothers day card with out it being an absolute lie.

You were the one who told me never ever fall in love. I can still here you say it to this day. I was young and wanted nothing more than to do just that. You taught me to fight for the under dog but somehow I learned to fight for everything because I had to. When I was young and there was something I wanted, you told me “wish in one hand and shit in the other and see which one gets full fastest”.

When you ran away from home I feared I would never see you again so when you took me with you on occasion in the middle of the night,  I cherished the moments of it being just you and me even though you were drunk. Because I loved you so much. You kicked me out of the house when I was 14 then told me I was a stupid child. I cried so hard I couldn’t breathe for days. Then in some crazy stupor of yours you sent me a silly little refrigerator magnet that said”Don’t Quit”. I was 19…I’m now 48 and I still have it.

Well mom I am here to say that I never did quit. I’m still here and after all of the crap and craziness you brought to my life and I to yours, I love you with all of my heart. I want so much to be there for you and I hope that I get the chance. When I was very little you loved me, I know you did. I came from a relationship of love. He wasn’t your husband but he was your best friend and soul mate. There I will say, you did something very right and out of love.

You shared this secret with me when I was 8 years old and it was the hardest thing in the world to be that age and know that I didn’t belong to the family in the way that everyone else did. You should have let me share that secret. That’s ok because I have shared it now. That man who was my father, would cry tears from heaven for you if he could. He loved you so much.

Over the years as you and I are aging women we have bonded in a better way. We have shared our passion for food. You taught me how to take care of guests in my home and now look at me mom, I run a Guest House. Isn’t that ironic. I tried to absorb as much love from you as I possibly could. As much as you were able to give me anyway. Before you go I want to laugh with you so hard that we pee just a little. I want to feed you some of the recipes I’ve learned out on my own and use some of the old tried and true ones for us to taste once again.

I want us to walk on fall days and look at the colors you are so fond of while I hold your arm so close to me. I want to sit by the fire and listen to some old stories about your rebel teen years. I want to make a bunch of tapas and open a bottle of wine, pile up on the couch and watch a good movie. I know that we are moving on to the next stages of our lives but please, please don’t push me away now. Let me be there for you and I will take what you can give me and accept it.

You can be pretty damn mean,  but I want to love you so much that its softens the edges of your hard heart. Let me be the daughter that I have always wanted to be. This is what I’m thinking of at 2 in the morning. Its keeping me awake. I will sip my sleepy time tea and then go back to bed and hopefully dream of love and laughter because Ive had enough sorrow and heartbreak. I wont quit though, mom, I wont give up hoping that there is a little spark in you that’s left for me. I love you mom.

Don’t Quit

When things  go wrong, as they sometimes will

When the road your trudging seems all up hill

When the funds are low and the debts are high

And you want to smile but you have to sigh

When care is pressing you down a bit

Rest if you must but don’t you quit

Life is queer with its twists and turns

As everyone of us sometimes learns

And many a person turns about

When they might have won, had they stuck it out

Don’t give up though the pace seems slow

You may succeed with another blow

Often the struggler has given up

When he might have captured the victors cup

And he learned too late when the night came down

How close he was to the golden crown

Success is failure turned inside out

So stick to the fight when you’re hardest hit

Its when things seem worst when you mustn’t quit.

(author unknown)