Please slow down, and don’t over take my mom just yet. I am trying with every fiber of my being to get to her. It seems like nothing matters to anyone where I am except themselves. I understand that Panama is not about helping others. It’s about survival here.
There is a scenario that has been playing in my head and it goes like this. I see my mother laying in the street and traffic is just ripping passed her. Nothing is hitting her but they are coming close and not even stopping to see if she is Ok. I see myself trying to block traffic long enough that I can pick her up and carry her to a safe place. The minute I get one car to slow down another speeds by and I go to that one and then the one I just stopped starts up again.
Its playing in my mind like a movie and I just want to scream, Where is the humanity! Where? If it were your mother wouldn’t you be doing the same thing? Wouldn’t you be trying to get to her, to help her? Here it’s not about that. Here its about power and fear. Don’t rock the boat. Don’t ask someone to do the job they were hired to do. It might piss someone off because they didn’t get their fix of power and oppression that day.
It is baffling to me, just baffling. The disease itself is unforgiving on one level. The level of physicality. On a soul level I see what it is. Alzheimer’s is like the in between place. The place where you gather and regroup before you set off on the next part of your journey. I understand it in that way.
My mother and I have completed our karmic exchange. We are ready to move forward, but there is that physical part of me that wants to hug her before she doesn’t know its me that’s hugging her. She has had so much time alone in the big old farm-house that she lives in. Her husband my step-dad hasn’t found his way to stop working and start taking care of her 24/7. Although I don’t like it, I understand why.
He doesn’t have the tools or the experience he needs to help her. He is not equipped for this job and therefore its easier to go to work and say it’s because of a commitment that he is tied to. I want to stand up and say what about those all important marriage vows? For better or worse, richer or poorer, sickness and in health? Where is the importance of that commitment? Tears are rolling down my face now and although I am in awe of the ignorance and selfishness, I am not going to stop pressing forward.
I am guided to do what I do best. Get things done. I have to say that of all of the challenges in my life time, death(mine), rape, assault, abandonment I have never seen the level of complication, tardiness and just plain old don’t give a shit attitude as I have seen where I am now.
So here I am and there she is thousands of miles away. I beg of you Alzheimer’s, if you could hear me and show a little mercy on not only my mom but on me as well. Please slow your roll just a bit, until I can be there to hold her hand and let her know that on no level is she alone. That I will be with her for as long as she needs me.