Honestly I can’t believe I made it. I am still breathing and I suppose that’s a start. This past holiday season has been rough for a lot of people. Especially those that have lost loved ones this year. For me December is always a hard time but this year has been the hardest ever. I am stuck in a place where there is little to no compassion. A person can only handle so much deceit.
For me I am particularly sensitive to liars. I hate being lied to more than fingernails scraping down a chalkboard. This comes from my completely dysfunctional and fucked up childhood. It’s not just that, but December is the anniversary of the accident that turned my life upside down. Why am I not over it yet? Well, I don’t think you ever “get over” something like a propeller slicing your face open. You learn to live with it even though every time you look in the mirror, there it is staring back at you.
The body holds memory and in December when most people are looking back at things they are grateful for I had a hard time with that this year. My 10-year-old cat Sailor died in May. It was awful not being able to get her the help that she needed. Call it lack of knowledge on the veterinarian’s part or lack of compassion yet again. Call it what you want.
Then my mother, who I have every right in the world to ignore but can’t, has worsened in her disease of Alzheimer’s. I have this completely dysfunctional need to help/rescue her and cant get there. Not for lack of trying. How do you explain to someone who is losing their mind that you can’t help them in their time of need. It’s a sick feeling. When she dies that will be my last whole blood connection. I have no idea why this is bothering me. It’s not something I normally trouble over.
Topping this with the fact that now with all of the time stolen from me by the “system” in Panama, I will never be able to share with her everything that has happened to me and how I survived. I know this in my heart. I realize that everyone has shit that they deal with in their lives. Some more dramatic or traumatic than others of course. With all of this colliding together in swirling heap of pain and hurt, it has created the perfect storm for depression.
Fuck, I am normally more together than this. I get things done. I don’t sit in one place and do nothing. This is not who I am or what I want to be. Let me introduce you to what depression brings…
Cant focus (that means no reading and difficult to write)
Feeling of hopelessness
Loss of appetite and weight gain or loss in some cases
Difficulty breathing, feeling suffocated
and the grand finale thoughts of suicide.
Now listen don’t anyone freak out I have always had a different view-point on suicide. Because I believe in many lifetimes I don’t judge people in taking charge of their own transition. I have dealt with depression before and although it wasn’t easy I was able to pull out of it and move forward at warp speed like I do.
While I made it through the holidays, I still have a bit to go through. More lies I’m sure. I mean seriously you wont believe the shit people lie about here, its unbelievable. I’m exhausted of my life. I don’t want to talk about it to anyone, I’m tired of thinking about all the shit. I have all the tools to get through stuff like this and have used everything in my power to move forward. Prayer, meditation, affirmations and Reiki, but nothing seemed to work this year.
I am an astute soul. So why am I acting so non-astute. I don’t know, but I’m sure it will come to me. For more than a month I stopped sending Reiki, meditating, praying and channeling. These are all things that come so naturally and I dropped them all. I quit everything and let it all fall by the wayside. Did it feel good to do that? No, but I figure it this way, if I’m still breathing then I guess I’m supposed to.
Here is where I want to turn a corner. I am sending Reiki again and channeling some. Most importantly I am writing it out. I guess if I can get through it, and alone up here on this damn mountain (with the exception of my 6 yr old Maine Coon, Jack) then anyone can. I know that I am not alone in my thought process. I have more gray hair now and more pounds on my ass but those will both go away. I am a fighter and although I have been down, I am back up again like a fucking energizer bunny. Most important I can breathe again.