Checking Out

The subject that is crossing everyone’s lips in the past few days is suicide. Otherwise known as kickin the bucket, checking out, taking a flying leap, or merely transitioning. I have walked that line more than a few times in my life. The one time I actually did die was not from own hand.

I understand not wanting to be here. The weight and overwhelming feeling of having given all you have and then standing there with nobody giving back to you. Its unbearable. If it weren’t for my 4 legged companions and my sense of responsibility to them this year I would not be writing this post.

I am not the only one. I  know more than a handful of people, who like me, find it hard to be here at times. Many of us found ourselves planning the logistics of how we would or will do it. Some of us already know how but for whatever reason haven’t pulled the trigger so to speak.

I don’t look at death as a bad thing. I should say non-astute thing is not taking the time or giving a chance for people to step up and say there good byes or I’m sorry’s. I think about death every day. My mother is closer to death now than she ever has been before and that’s one reason, but another is a plain fact that death is easier than living. I don’t believe in only one life time so for me, checking out is like coming up for air. It’s like breathing the light that is all around us but we cant see it clearly while we are still in the physical.

Depression…yeah I have been there more times than I would like to admit to. I am a strong woman so for me depression is not a comfy cozy place. I don’t like it at all. After dealing with the train wreck that is my family and then dying and abusive situations afterword, there comes a time when your physical body takes on an imbalance that is hard to come back from.

There have been many years of people calling me only because the wanted something and then called themselves my friends. It’s a bullshit way to treat people, just plain bull shit. It’s the thing that makes you wanna say “fuck it I’m done”.

I will write about depression one day, but for me, for what I am going through at the moment it would serve no purpose. The words would not come out in a way so that I can help people with them and so I wont. The potty mouth in me is in serious full force due to the idiots I am dealing with at the moment.

I understand why someone would commit suicide, because I have wanted that so many times for myself. However I have tried to stick it out as they say. It doesn’t make me any better or any worse, but I feel that we all have a purpose and I came here for that purpose. I’m not done yet. However I would like to say to the oppressive assholes in the world check your egos at the door please. I may not be ready to go but I am damn happy to help one of you on your way…if you get my meaning.

Why would anyone want to stick around, after giving and giving to others they get shit diddly squat in return. I  mean really is it that hard to figure out. People, wake the fuck up and smell the napalm. You don’t have to stay here in this life, but if you choose to go make sure you think about it hard and long. Is there something you haven’t done that you may want to stick around and try to do before you go?

As for me I wont go yet, but if you haven’t tried to reach out to me after I have tried to reach out for you, then I don’t owe you a good-bye. Just remember you have choices to make and you can make them to help or not. Make your choice, I’ve made mine.

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