Today is a strange day. It feels weird like I’m on the verge of something happening and then nothing does. I am waiting for a buyer and I’m waiting for a sign of what’s next. In the last little while I had lost my mom and then I found her. I have tried to communicate with her husband to no avail. Its pointless until I’m back in the states to lend a hand. Then in the same turn if feels like I will never get there.
I had a feeling like I needed to organize my boxes that will be shipped back to the states. So I did that and found one of my journals from quite a while back. There are different years in that journal. Looks like one of those journals that I had picked up and put down off and on over the years. Then when I looked at the back of the journal, there was an old letter tucked in there along with an old picture of me looking pretty scruffy from my first trans-atlantic sailing trip.
I read the letter quietly while sitting on top of my boxes of stuff. It was a break up letter from my ex-boyfriend. I suppose it was only meant to be for a short time. We were together for 4 years and sailed many miles together on his boat. He never let me forget it was his boat, even after 4 years of being together. Apparently I frightened him. I came from a completely different world. He was too clean cut for me and how would he ever begin to understand me or where I am from.
In his world you didn’t question anything, especially authority. You didn’t stir the pot. His dad was wonderful, his mom was a nutball and they were both hoarders. They still had the same home that he grew up in and all of his friends and family were either in walking distance or short driving distance. His family thought he was crazy for living on a boat and I thought it to be normal. So I suppose in that way we were alike.
He told me that I would never own a boat of my own. This for me, is where it stopped. He didn’t want me be to be a part of his boat although I was good enough to do the grunt work on it. He didn’t want me to be part owner with him on another boat. So basically I wasn’t good enough for him. He took an already insecure woman and squashed her spirit. We broke up and it took a very long time for me to heal from that relationship.
That was a changing time in my life. I had to learn that I was good enough. That I could and did own a boat of my own. This also began my spiritual journey. If I had stayed with him I would still be there feeling like an unworthy piece of crap that I allowed myself to feel like. I allowed myself to feel less than worthy and it took me getting away to realize that there was more for me and that I needed someone stronger than him.
Today I am burning that letter because it serves no purpose. I’m glad I found it though. To remind me of how far I have come. So in honor of my journey, I am releasing these ashes in the wind.