“Don’t be such a stupid child”, she screamed at me so many years ago. She being my mother was never really Ok with being a mom. While she had plenty of babies she wasn’t cut out to go the distance in the job of being a parent. Its not her fault, its the cards that were delt to her. If you believe the way that I do its a part of her souls agreement to bring us kids in and let us go. Now If I could just do the same.
After being pushed out of the house and told that I was never going to amount to anything, I find myself having a difficult time of letting go of the role of daughter. I never got that role down when I was younger, I wasn’t allowed. The money for booze and smokes was more important than shoes. Shoes and love are what we needed most.
I have always wanted to be close to my mom, but its just not something that was meant to be. Although it was a dream that I had when I was younger to be arm in arm with my mom walking down a quiet street, laden with trees of beautiful fall colors. LaLaLa…I know its stupid but its something I wanted. I realize now as I am an adult and mom is going through the condition of Alzheimer’s with her current husband as her helper. I have to back away from my wants and wishes and allow her to be who she is at this time of her life.
This has been a struggle that I have been sorting through and learning as I go. However, its not about me being there for her because I can, its about her going through this part of her life with her chosen partner. I have pushed against the universe to try to get there to “save the day” and it hasn’t worked out so well. As hard as it is, I am backing away and giving her the space.
Who knows better than me how to get to some out of the way place and rescue someone in need. Ive done it plenty of times for people over the years and I know in my heart I could do it now, but I’m feeling like I’m not supposed to. Watching my step dad not take care of my mom the way that I would is driving me crazy. As I am learning to go through this process, I have to look at it as its all new to him too.
My mom has taken care of him for quite a while now. Its just been the two of them and pretty much doing what ever he wants to do when he wants to do it. Now she is in need and he has no idea how much she is in need. I have been seeking counseling while going through this and am learning to trust the counselors opinion. This is their business and they see these conditions everyday.
I am going to make a ritual of sending my mom loving energy from a distance. I will love my mom no less but I will also honor that she is towards the end of her journey and while its just getting good its also getting complete. She is completing karma’s of her own that I have no understanding of, nor should I, when it comes right down to it. For now I will let go and be there when she calls out for me.
In the mean time I will do as I have done most of my life and seek whatever bits and pieces of family I can find along the way. Usually its in the form of parents of my friends who don’t mind sharing, or people I have met in my travels who look out for rogues like me. Watch me now, as I fine tune the art of letting go.